Changing What Controls My Life

So as you can see, I love Jesus and I love running. These are two huge parts of my life. But they haven’t always been. I was forced into running and was born into a traditional Catholic family.

Now the running, that’s for another time.

First off, don’t get me wrong, there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with Catholicism. It is a beautiful, intricate religion. It just wasn’t [for me].

I did not understand many things about the r e l i g i o n. The sacraments, the rules, why I had to do certain things. It wasn’t explained to me in CCD classes, I just knew I had to do it.  

It wasn’t the devoted Catholics’ around me problem, it was mine.

I was on a path to nowhere. Or so I thought.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord.

And did he have a plan for me. I started attending a nondenominational church with my mom. I worked most Sundays but did make it to Wednesday Youth Group. I really loved what I was learning; I was beginning to understand Jesus. It took along time, but through several of my adult leaders, I felt like I was really growing closer to Christ. However, I wasn’t ready to [take that jump].

It was my senior and I was on the college search. I had thought about big universities but being from a small school and my personality, that wasn’t for me. After receiving letters and emails about potentially running cross country in college, I looked at colleges as far away as Roosevelt in Chicago and local GPAC schools, Dakota Wesleyan, Briar Cliff, and Morningside. After visiting the local schools, experiencing ups and downs of my running career, and deciding Chicago was too far away for me, I made the decision—I was going to be a Morningside Mustang.

The school stuck out exponentially. I could feel the connections, the love, the happiness. While I didn’t see the importance of faith at the time, Coach Nash assured me that it was there.

It took me some time to see it, but little by little I started to see what Coach was talking about. I was going to church almost weekly with my teammates and it was pretty cool to see them worship.

It wasn’t till this summer, 2013, in which I found what I needed. During the spring, I was asked to start helping with Sunnybrook Youth Group. A girl, K, had Asperger’s and they needed a co-leader for her group. I thought this was going to be great on my resume! That’s all I thought about, sadly. It would go more than on my resume; it would make life changes I never expected.

I was slowly getting to know the students in my small group but always felt like the “awkward adult who looked like a high schooler.” In this time, I told myself, if I was going to be a sponsor of a youth group, I needed to get myself together to go to church. I wasn’t going to be a hypocrite. I needed to learn what I was teaching.

I was starting to really get into church and enjoyed going to seeing the girls each Wednesday night. Late in the school year, Jason, the youth pastor at Sunnybrook, approached me. I had gotten to know him over the past few months of adjusting with Krista. We were working on helping her have the best relationship with Christ. Jason asked me to join the group on their mission trip to Cincinnati.

My small group girls who came to Cincinnati.

 As the time to leave came closer, I had conflicting emotions about the trip. I was living in Sioux City for the summer and this was what I needed. This summer was the most difficult I have been through. I was living 100% on my own, working 2 jobs, and struggling with not being able to run due to injury. My social life was absolutely empty.

I began to have anxiety attacks. When this happens, my heart races like crazy and I cannot breathe. I then start freaking out because I cannot breathe, this only makes it worse. Slowly but surely, this was dragging me down; all I wanted to do was sleep. I kept battling attacks and calling my mom almost daily. She was the only one who could even partially calm me down. Just two days before leaving for Cincinnati, I had a pretty serious anxiety attack. I can’t even remember what caused it now. That’s how much the anxiety was controlling my life. During this particular attack, I called my mom. I told her I wanted to come home. I could not take this stress anymore. When she asked me what my plans were, I sobbed back, “I have no idea, I hate this. I hate all of it.” After more tears, my mom okay’d me to move home for the summer, but I had to go to Cincinnati and find a job at home first. She told me, I committed to the kids, I will go and there will be no other option. She was right, I was going to buck up and do what I was called to do. I prayed to God for him to save my summer.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6

Cincinnati

Our whole group.

I used my time before Cincinnati to get my energy back. I skimmed through the program book and a few of the verses. 2 a.m. rolled around, I was off on a bus with 55 high schoolers and 6 other sponsors. 

 

Turns out, I could not have been more B L E S S E D to have been invited on this trip. First off, the kids were so amazing. Yes, I was put through extreme stress, the students made me angry at times, but I wouldn’t have traded the experience for the world.

During this trip, I met Caleb and Shaelee. I had no idea they were the ones who would save my summer. Caleb and I were co-leaders and our “kids”, Price Hill, called us Mom and Dad. Caleb was a great co-leader and I am so glad I became closer to him through a mission experience.

Then there’s Shaelee— The girl who I figured was going to ignore me the whole trip cause she didn’t talk to me at all when all of the “young” leaders were chatting (turns out, she thought I was one of the kids going on the trip). I’m going to say a huge part of my commitment to Christ and eventual Baptism was because of Shae sharing God’s love with me. Whether it was random late night Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream pigouts or a game of tennis, she was always there to encourage me. It was because of Shaelee that I learned a lesson her grandpa taught her.

“You have been put in this place for a reason. You are going to live with those people and you are going to love those people.”

October 1, 2013

 

On October 1, 2013, I was reborn.  A Baptism night at Elevate, ministry for college kids, was held and one student was baptized. At the end of the night, Chris questioned again, “Did anyone feel lead to be baptized?” At this point, I was shaking, something was telling me, “I’m ready to give my life to Christ.” Going once. Going twice. Okay. You are dismissed. I still was shaking. Britney, one of our leaders who we had worked with this summer, came up behind Shae and me “So, uh, Tasha, when are you going to get in there?” That was it. I spun to the my sidekick, started bawling, and said, “Shaelee, will you baptize me?” Plans were set, I was going to be reborn after the attendees of Elevate setted down. I couldn’t stop crying and shaking. I had to go to the bathroom because I was having so much anxiety; I almost threw up. I was scared. But happy. I was about to become a whole new person. I was R E B O R N in Christ on October 1, 2013.

While I committed my life to Christ, I still do struggle with my anxiety and depression. I wasn’t officially diagnosed until November. Even if this does affect my life, I know, because of my newfound life, I can count on Christ to lead me and guide me. I am going to E N J O Y the life God gave me.  I am changing what controls my life.

I can do all things through Him who gives me S T R E N G T H. –Philippians 4:13